‘It is ok to love yourself and want to change yourself at the same time. In fact loving you should lead to health. When you love you, you will want to take are of you.’
This is going to be a serious one, but in a positive ‘you got this girl’ way. I have spoke about this some on my Facebook page, but you can never really go into as much detail on a Facebook posts as you would sometimes like. I decided it was time to share my experience because you never know who else may be feeling the same way out there and need a little encouragement. It is about something much bigger than yourself. In a world where we are shown by varying media sources every day what we are ‘suppose to be’ it is important to own you the way you are!
Most of my life I have been overweight and in the childhood obesity category. My parents fed me good foods according to what the food pyramid was at the time, I tend to believe our portions were just too large. And we always had the classic ‘finish your dinner or no dessert’ line attached to every family dinner. I held on to this weight for most of my life. So in college when others were gaining their classic Freshman 15, I was loosing my Freshman 70. I lost about 70 lbs by spending about an hour on the elliptical and following a ‘calorie counting’ program, where I frequently choose fat free over healthy. So I had done it, I lost the weight, I wouldn’t say I was healthy or fit, but I was no longer obese. After this accomplishment it took me so long to convince myself that I looked good. I had to look in the mirror every day and tell myself ‘you are in shape, your body is the right size, you are happy with this body’. I just couldn’t see it. All I could see was the person I had been my whole life. So I had to convince myself otherwise. Now looking back I can’t believe I took so long to begin to love that body because it was kick ass even with its imperfections. But the really interesting part here is that my mind had convinced myself that I was the same size I was previously, then I had to work to convince my mind that I was no longer the larger version of me. How wrong is that? But this can be used for good as well. Which is the interesting part to me. This is the psychology behind eating disorders. I would not put myself in that category because I still enjoyed many foods and never used purging as a way of loosing or maintaining weight. It was more just a mental block I had incredible difficulty getting past. More on this in a bit.
So in the past 2-3 years. As I began to gain and gain and gain due to no longer working hard at
that body I had learned to love. I had a very warped view of my body. Because I was still convinced I was the healthier smaller version of myself. I ate healthy-ish, at least until the stress got to be too much in my life. But didn’t exercise my body. I looked in the mirror when I got ready and thought ‘I look good’. But in reality I had gained back those 70 lbs and plus some. Which I am proud of myself for still loving me. But I stopped allowing myself to enjoy things I used to because I had gained weight. I hated shopping, I hated pictures, and I hated letting my husband touch me. Which in the end isn’t really loving yourself, if you begin to loose yourself.
This continued on until Summer of 2015. I participated in mud volleyball at this time. Mud volleyball is a fabulous fundraiser where you literally play volleyball in a massive pit of mud. So you can imagine the clothes stick-age after a game. Someone posted a picture (something you didn’t see a lot of anymore at that time, pictures with me in it, especially full body), this picture is to the right. I thought no way. No way I am that bad. But I was! And I thank that picture for kickstarting this journey.
Well this got me to thinking. I didn’t have enough love for me during those times that I didn’t see me when I looked in the mirror. Not enough love to choose to take care of myself. But how powerful is it that we, our minds, can change those opinions of ourselves internally. When I was small my mind still saw me +70 lbs. When I was large my mind was still registering that -70lb plus self because I had worked so hard to convince myself of this previously. So if we can do this we can also use our mind to create a life full of happiness and self love. If you struggle with loving you. I want you to look in the mirror every morning and every night and remind yourself of your own love for you. And the qualities that make you the amazing person that you are. We all have them. You can name at least one. Change ‘I need to loose weight’ to ‘I want to be healthier for me’. Take the little steps to work on you and love you daily. And you know what I have learned. It is ok to love yourself and want to change yourself at the same time. In fact loving you should lead to health. When you love you, you will want to take are of you.
This time I am going all in to a full on lifestyle change. Health isn’t worth it unless you are working at changing for good, short term changes will not last. This is why diets do not work. I have asked for accountability from my friends and family. I now run Accountability Groups where ladies at all levels of their health journey work together to stay healthy and share tips, successes, and struggles with each other. Beachbody and their products are giving me the boost I need. I am posting publicly not only to track my progress but to be sure I stick to it! It’s so easy to slip away from good habits when you aren’t holding yourself accountable. It is one day at a time. One workout every day, healthy eating every day. I can do this. If you are feeling the same way, message me, use the contact button at the bottom of the page. I can help you get started on your journey. I would love to be your accountability partner. Lets get this done. Heres to the new me, a work in progress ?